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  • Writer's pictureLeah Vizgan

A Mom's Brain - the good and the bad

Updated: Mar 2, 2019

Where do I start....

Every time I meet and sit with my other friends, that are also mothers, it seems we always have the same conversations - talking about life as a mom, our daily struggles, our difficulties, our duties, and basically being the Everything in the household.

I suppose none of us are particularly interesting or fun because all we do is work and raise our children, but when you’re a mom it’s like Bad Moms, you’ve just gotta hook up with other moms to survive.

I think that the majority of mothers have the same core struggles, obviously not the same exact struggle but we all experience the same obstacles. For example, the stage of your kid not eating well, not sleeping well, potty training, misbehaving and more; basically we take care of everything from the husband, to the kids, to the house chores. The never ending house chores, which for some reason always bother us. Just knowing in the back of your head that you have to do more laundry, more dishes, sweeping, mopping, and the extra chores that you keep putting off because you just never have time but you know has to be done at some point. Plus the additional child, aka husband, who sleeps or sits on the couch knowing we are handling 10 things at a time and once in a while he pokes his head up to tell you "The baby is crying" or "come change a diaper" and you think to yourself or maybe you say it out loud "You handle it, you can see I am in the middle of something!" but of course you end up doing that too.

We have to do all this and still somehow keep a smile on our faces and pretend not to be frustrated, aggravated, depressed or whatever feelings we may actually be going through because we have to give our children a happy childhood and positive environment and our husbands just want quiet, they don't want to hear our complaints or struggles because they for one don't have a brain like a woman, two they don't care and consider it "drama", and three they think we are complaining about them not doing a good job, not being a good man, husband and provider and then our just wanting to release our one complaint about something at this point "petty" now turns into a big fight and you wishing you never said anything.

Obviously, this description doesn't relate to everyone, but you get the picture.

"You know, I– I– I, like, I berate my husband on, like, a daily basis. Partially because I really am mad at him. But mostly out of survival, because if he leaves me, I’m fucked" — Ali Wong

Sometimes it is hard to say these things out loud because you don't want people to think that you are speaking or thinking negatively... We love our kids, our family and our life, BUT having kids is Hard, really hard and that is a fact! We wouldn't change anything, our kids and our family are our life and we couldn't imagine life without them. We are positive and happy women having real life discussions - Real Housewives, LOL.

“A lot of people like to ask me ‘Ali, how on earth do you balance family and career?’ Men never get asked that question. Because they don’t. My husband occasionally changes diapers, and when people hear that, confetti everywhere. When my baby girl was first born I would do skin-on-skin contact everyday to bond with her. She shit on my chest. Where’s my confetti?” — Ali Wong

We’re all nodding our heads, thinking of the last time our husband got kudos for giving the kids a bath or cooking dinner. Yes, give us moms some damn confetti!

And here we are, friends, sitting together once in a blue moon, finally, the kids are playing alone (getting covered in sand, but their getting along and we get some quiet time so we let them) and the husbands are standing together having their man chat and we women are talking about our lives as moms... and our struggles and we all understand each other completely and can relate.

And I say "and here we are with a little bit of free time, girl time, and what are we doing? talking about our struggles instead of something else" But we don't have anything else to talk about because our kids and our families are our lives now. We gave up our lives for our kids. But we remember who we were and we still want a tiny little piece of that, we still want to do some of the things we used to do but we can't.

When you’re a mom you need something to compensate for the light inside of you that has died.

Why can't we? Because we don't have help. Everything we do, we do with our kids. We don't have time to work out, to get our nails done or we can't do things like get drunk on a Saturday or go out for a girls night to party. Partly because we are scared, we don't want to be in a situation where if our kids need us, we are not able to do whatever is needed and also because we don't trust to leave our kids with any babysitter. Maybe we are old school.... but we don't have any help. Asking family is a burden, everyone has their own life and they don't want to be responsible for watching your kids - even after asking a few times and getting complaints, you just loose interest in asking for help. You understand that you are alone and you must handle everything on your own. A family member told me "Having kids was your choice, now you have to deal with it", this was probably the most offensive comment I ever heard. I was very upset, but I know, no matter what I will and have given up my life for my kids and I don't mean that in a bad way.

Yes, it was and is my choice, I quit my job to raise my 2 kids at home. This was my choice. Plus I don’t want to work for someone else anymore. I don’t, honestly. Yes, there are other options to get help but I prefer and feel safe and secure being the only one raising my kid. However, I would be lying if I didn't say I didn't crave a little bit of time without them.

I’m very grateful and happy to be able to raise my children as a stay-at-home mom. I am glad that I had my kids when I was mature enough and ready to be a stay-at-home. I couldn't imagine missing their childhood, watching their first roll, first crawl, first sit up, first tasting food, first everything. As they say, in a blink of an eye, they will be all grown up and you will look back and be sad that you missed this time. I also know that one day I will be so proud of myself for making this choice and doing the hardest job there is, being a stay-at-home mom.

However, I have to give myself little pep talks once in a while or everyday, for example, I will say

"You are Strong! Stop feeling sorry for yourself!"
"Think Positive! "
"Don't let people that don't matter affect my life or attitude!"
"Don't Judge other People or Compare"
"Ask for Help BUT be mature enough to accept no for an answer"

I have felt like people do not support or encourage my decision and usually people offend me with their comments about my kids not being in daycare, they make me feel like a bad mom or that I should be ashamed.

“I can already see how there’s this crazy double standard in our society of how it takes so little to be considered a great dad,” she says. “It also takes so little to be considered a shitty mom. — Ali Wong

I have come to understand that people don't want to support or encourage stay-at-home moms because they don't want to feel like bad parents themselves or think that they made bad decisions by choosing to put their children in daycare. Most people voice their opinion about how what they have done is the right way, without understanding or being open-minded to your decisions because they need to feel and reassure themselves that they made the right decision. If they say that stay-at-home moms are better for children however their kids are in daycare, they then portray themselves as "bad parents" in their eyes so they would never say that.

"A lot of my friends, when we walk around together, they’ll get very judgmental about housewives that we’ll see on the street. And they’ll be like, “Look at that fucking housewife. Not doing anything. Look at that housewife, just walking around all day, getting massages in her Lululemon pants.” I’m like, “That bitch is a genius.” “She’s not a housewife, she’s retired.”" — Ali Wong

I believe that stay-at-home moms is the best decisions and the right decision for ME. I wanted to raise my children and I choose to do everything in my power to do that; like quitting my job and giving up an extra source of income because to me it is more important to have that bond with my children. Plus after reading much literature I have realised the benefits of not putting my children in daycare. Of course there are good and bad reasons for putting or not putting kids in daycare and I do not intend to force my opinion on anyone. I have friends that put their children in daycare and can't imagine being a stay-at-home mom and they are happy. As long as you are happy, that is all that matters.

After much research this is what I found:

The first year of a child's life is most important. Kids need to see and spend their everyday with ONE person. Kids need Love and Affection, their diapers changed, to be fed and to sleep on time. They do not receive this and cannot receive this in daycare no matter what anyone tells you; One woman to ten children cannot do it no matter how loving and friendly and how good her intentions are. Of course every daycare and supporter of daycare will tell you what you want to hear, that they are most definitely doing and providing all of this, however it is IMPOSSIBLE.

When kids are put in daycare under 1 years old, it's a fact they will have problems for the rest of their lives. It's written in literature and a proven study. Plus, kids will be sick ALL the time. Kids will be more aggressive, they will have poor social skills - Yes, studies have proven weaker social skills and more prone to conflict. There will be attachment insecurity between the parents and their kids, they will experience depression and anxiety as well as confrontational behaviour. They will misbehave at older ages, get into fights, have an inability to for secure attachments leading to later problems.

At the end of the day, you have to do what is best for you and your family. Thanks for sticking around for my little rant and Ali Wong quotes - she crakes me up. If you haven't seen her comedy show, I highly recommend you check her out. Comment below with your thoughts.

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